Springer Wars
by Keyblade Alchemist86
Summary: The characters from Star Wars go on Jerry Springer. Honestly, I don't know why I wrote this. I don't even watch the show, though Isaw it once and it scarred me for life. Random acts of violence, chairs get thrown. Its funny.


"Ladies and gentlemen we have a special guest here today," Jerry Springer says. "He grew up on the planet Tatooine on the Outer Rim, raised by his aunt and uncle. Let's here it for Luke Skywalker!"

The audience applaudes as Luke comes in and takes a seat next to Jerry.

"Hi, Jerry." Luke says.

"Hi, Luke," Jerry says. "So let me get this right. You grew up on a desert planet?"

"That's right, Jerry." Luke says.

"What was that like?"

"Well, it was pretty harsh. I had to be on a constant lookout for Krayt dragons and Sandpeople," Luke says. "Let me tell you, gaffi sticks hurt."

"I can imagine they do." Jerry says and the audience laughs. "So Luke, let's talk about why you are here today. You don't know who your father is do you."

"No, I don't, but my master Obi-wan Kenobi, I call him Ben, told me that he was once a great Jedi who was killed by another Dark Jedi."

"And how is this different from what your uncle told you?" Jerry says.

"My Uncle Owen said that he was a freighter pilot, but I guess he was lying to me." Luke says. "It doesn't really matter my father is dead either way." The audience goes "Aww."

"Well, Luke what if I were to tell you that your father is here today?"

"What?" Luke says.

"That's right, Luke, now Luke, everyone, please give a warm welcome to Luke's father, the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader!"

The _Imperial March_ plays in the background as Vader comes onto the stage and sits next to his son.

"Now, Lord Vader-"

"Please," Vader says. "Call me Darth vader.

"Okay, Darth Vader," Jerry says. "Now, why did you abandon Luke? What was your reason for leaving him with his aunt and uncle?"

"Well, you see, I used to be Anakin Skywalker, but then Emperor Palpatine corrupted me and I turned to the Dark side. Naturally my children had to be protected, and they were hidden from me. I didn't even know they were born." Vader turns to Luke. "Luke, I'm sorry."

"But, you can't be my father. NO! It can't be true!'" Luke falls on the floor and starts crying.

"Luke, please get up." Jerry says.

"Okay, Jerry." Luke says as he sniffs and gets back in his seat.

"Luke I am your father, you know it to be true. Here let me show you." He takes off his helmet showing his disfigured head. "See the resemblance?" The audience gags and vomits.

"Vader, please, put that back on!" Jerry says.

"Sorry, Jerry." He puts his helmet back on. "Here Luke let me show you something else." Vader takes his lightsaber and cuts off Luke's hand.

"Ow! God! Why did you do that?" Luke says.

"I don't know, just felt I had too."

"But, father, I don't understand, Ben said that you were dead."

"What?" Vader says. "The bastard is still alive? The next time I see him I'll cut him in half!"

"Well, you better try not to." Jerry says. "Cause he's here right now. Obi-Wan Kenobi everybody."

The audience claps as Obi-Wan comes up on stage. Vader immediately gets up and slices Ben in half with his lightsaber. He disappears and his ghost takes his place.

"What the fk did you that for?" Ben's ghost says.

"You lied to my son!"

"Yea, you old bastard!" Luke says.

"Luke, you don't understand," Ben's ghost says and sits down in another chair. "I did it to protect you."

"From what?" Luke says.

"From the Emperor. Do you have any idea what he would do to you?"

"No." Luke says.

"He'll make you one of his own minions, like Anakin here."

"Do _not_ say that name!" Vader says standing up. "It has no meaning for me anymore!" He lifts a chair with the Force and hurls it at Obi-Wan. The chair goes through him.

"Ass, did you think that would do anything? I'm a ghost, dipshit! But since you striked me down I am now more powerful than even you." Obi-Wan uses the Force and throws and chair at Vader. It hits him.

"Bitch!" Vader says.

"Okay, everyone, calm down," Jerry says. "Ben, Vader, I know you two have aggression issues to work out. Why don't you try talking about them?" Vader and Ben sit back down.

"Ben," Vader says. "When I was your apprentice, you never listened to me. I had so many good ideas but you rejected all of them. And not just you but all the Jedi. Only Palpatine listened to me, he was my only friend."

"Darth, you don't understand," Ben says. "You were too brash, too headstrong. The path you were taking was leading you to the Dark side. We tried to protect you, but you never listened."

"But Palpatine said-"

"He was lying." Ben says. "Only we, I, ever cared for you. You were like a son to me."

"And you were like a father to me. I love you, Obi-Wan!"

"And I love you too, Darth!" They both hug and cry together.

"Are you two all better now?" Jerry says.

"Yes," Ben says. "All better."

"That's good, because were not done yet." Jerry turns to Luke. "So, Luke how does it feel to finally meet your father?"

"Well, except for getting my hand cut off, it feels great." The audience laughs.

"Well, what if I were to tell you you have one more family member to meet."

"Who?" Luke says.

"Your twin sister, Princess Leia Organa." The audience claps as Leia comes out.

"So, you have a twin sister." Vader says as Leia sits down.

"But Leia?" Luke says. "How are you my twin sister? We don't look anything alike?"

"Well the reason for that is-" Vader starts to say but stops.

"Ben hid us when we were born," Leia says. "You on Tatooine, me on Alderaan."

"Wait a minute, Alderaan? How come you got the good planet while I got that shit hole of a planet?"

"Cause I'm prettier than you." Leia says.

"What? Well, you may be prettier than me, but at least I'm better in bed." Luke says then realizes what he says.

"Oh, God." Ben says.

"I didn't want to!" Luke says pointing at Leia. "She forced me to. Said if I did I wouldn't have to destroy the Death Star. Well, I did anyway."

"Leia," Jerry says. "Is this true?"

"Yes, but we didn't know we were related at the time."

"So, what about everyone else you slept with?" Luke says. "Ben-"

"Oh, yeah." Ben says.

"Han, Chewbacca, Jabba!" Luke says. "God Leia, he stuck his tongue in you."

"Luke, calm down." Jerry says. "Now, Leia, how does it feel to meet your father and brother for the first, well your brother second, time?"

"How do you think I feel? My father destroyed Alderaan!"

"Too bad you weren't on it." Luke says.

"Shut up, shithead!" Leia yells at him.

"Don't make me go Jedi Master on your ass!" Luke says getting his lightsaber.

"Okay, kids, calm down now." Vader says getting between his children. "I don't know how you were raised, but no children of mine are going to fight. So settle down!"

Both Luke and Leia sit back down and someone from the audience raises a hand.

"Yes, a question from the audience?" Jerry says.

"Yes, hi Jerry," a middle aged white woman stands up. "I have something to say to Vader, over there."

"What?" Vader says.

"If your kids are acting out of control, why don't you punish them? Their just going to do it again. Use that Force thing of yours."

"Excuse me, madam, but as you can see I do control my children."

"Oh, then where've you been the past 18 years? Ruling the universe or something?"

"Yes." Vader says.

"Well, I think that you should stop and spend some time with the kids. Get off your lazy ass and do some-" The woman gets caught in mid-sentence and stops talking. She clutches at her throat.

"You do _not_ tell a Sith Lord what to do!" Vader says, his hand reaching out toward the woman. She gasps and falls down dead.

"Darth Vader please, do not Force choke the audience." Jerry says.

"Sorry, Jerry. But that bitch deserved it."

"Maybe so, but we don't have time for it." Jerry says. "Now we have one more guest everyone today. Possibly one of the greatest Jedi Masters of all time, Jedi Master Yoda."

The audience claps but nothing happens. The audience goes silent.

"Jedi Master Yoda!" Jerry says again and the audience claps again, then stops when Yoda doesn't come.

"Where the hell is he?" Jerry says.

"Coming, I am." Yoda calls off stage. "Right my age you reach, see how, oh, forget it." Yoda slowly comes out on stage and tries to get in a chair. "Oh, help, please, somebody." One of the stage hands comes out and lifts Yoda up. "Ah, much better that is, thank you." Sees Leia. "Oh, Leia, you here too, yes? Good time last night, yes? Yoda teach you the Force alright, yes, Yoda teach you the Force."

Everyone looks at Leia.

"Now, Yoda, what was it like when Luke first came by to train with you?"

"What?" Yoda says.

"I said, what was Luke like when you trained him?" Jerry says again.

"What?" Yoda says. "Hold on, turn my hearing aid up, I must. What you say, Jerry?"

"I said what was Luke like when you trained him?"

"Oh, big, strong, he was. Carried me on his back he did, helped me cross street. Become great Jedi, he did, like his father." Sees Vader. "Yes, see great Jedi there. Taught him way of Force also, like Obi-Wan." Sees Obi-Wan. "Yes, see great Jedi there."

"Well, thank you for your time Master Yoda." Jerry says.

"What?"

"I said-" Jerry says but then stops when he sees Yoda is asleep.

"Okay, everyone that's all the time we have, but before we go, Luke, do you have anything you want to say?"

"Yes, I do Jerry." Luke says and talks to his father. "Father, I am so happy that I finally got to know you. Now, maybe I can help you turn away from the dark side."

"Perhaps, but not today." Vader says.

"Anything else, Luke?" Jerry says.

"Yes," Luke says and turns to Leia. "Slut."

"Bitch!" Leia says.

"Slutty bitch." Yoda mumbles in his sleep. He wakes up. "Where?" Sees Leia. "Oh, yes, great Jedi there. Taught her ways of Force, I did. Leia, want another lesson do you?"

"Get away from me, you gnome." Leia says.

"Hmmph, see if save your life I do."

"Now, its time for my final thought," Jerry said. "It doesn't matter if you're a light side or dark side user, or if your extremely messed up either way. I think inside we are all a little scarred, after falling into a river of lava. But there is one thing for sure. Vader, you we're a really whiny brat when you were younger. And you can not emote well at all."

"You suck, Jerry." Vader said.

"At least I'm not an ass," he said. "Well, everybody, that's all for today's show. But join us next time when Threepio and Artoo come to confess their secrets to each other. Bye."

"If you would like to be on _Jerry_ please call 1-800-12345 or send a letter with your name, age, address, phone number, current planet or mystical realm, occupation, and problem. No Hobbits."

**Author's Note: I realized I should revise this a little, just to add the Final Thought. I don't even watch Springer. **


End file.
